5 practices for a healthy, loving, romantic and fun relationship
I call it practice because that’s what it is.
A relationship is never ending work, a giant mirror, a really good opportunity to grow from love instead of suffering, balancing autonomy and connection and increasing your capacity to love. And a pleasure and so much more.
It’s worth it to invest the time, energy and courage because we all know what matters the most in life is love!
If you choose to grow and see life and also your relationship as an exciting adventure you can feel so happy and fulfilled. I am so grateful to be very happy in love with someone who is very different than me in many aspects.
Honestly, no matter how broke I was in my life, with this man I had always a reason to feel like a queen.
No matter how lost I felt, with him I always felt more safe.
No matter how angry with the world, I can always open up my heart and smile again
Really, there are many things i love about my life. So many awesome things. But the partnership that i created with my boyfriend is the most important for me.
Every night when I fall asleep next to him I am so grateful and so happy I could cry. Happy we met, happy we are healthy, happy we are in the same bed, happy he is breathing, happy I have hands to touch him, and eyes to see him and that I can smell his skin.
It’s such a good feeling! It gives me so so much strength for so many other things in my life. I could not do my business the way I do it if the relationship we created would not be such a solid base for me.
And from my heart I hope you can have this too so we share with you what we do to create this relationship …
Before we continue: No we are not perfect and yes we have challenges. We don’t fight we solve problems and re-connect. And definitely before I wrote these words here, I told them to my partner many times, every day.
I really think if you feel anything other than deep happiness and gratitude in your partnership it’s worth practicing to relate better. And start with yourself because that’s the only person you can ever change. Don’t demand your partner to do things, but do the things yourself.
This is what works for us …
Support each other
Ask: How can I support you?
It’s good for you because then you do not need to guess what might help or maybe do something that does not help at all and then get frustrated, and its good for the person who gets asked because this way you get back into responsibility for yourself, if you ever let go of that and instead were holding on the victim-mi-mi-mood.
Why this helps you grow?
You get an impulse to think about how your situation can be improved and that’s something constructive to think about, something that brings you forward.
2. Talk to each other and also listen to each other
Communication is key. Speaking what’s on your mind and having the internal space to listen what your partner is ready to share with you is not as easy as it sounds. That’s why it’s helpful to have some tools for that.
Active listening
When your partner talks you will notice the impulse of saying something, giving an advice, adding your opinion, correcting or soothing. Don’t interrupt! Observe that your mind is thinking about what you will answer to solve his/her problem, but don’t act on it. Just listen.
Non-violent communication
Helps to not blame but focus back on your needs.
There is a protocol to it. It’s weird in the beginning but it really works. Give it a try.
Observation (facts)
Feelings (Emotions)
Needs (values)
Requests (actions)
Yesterday morning the lid of the toothpaste was open (1) that made me feel upset (2) When things are in order I feel relaxed and I need to feel relaxed in the morning (3) So I want to ask you if you can please close the lid of the toothpaste in the evening.
Why this helps you grow?
It builds trust. You experience being heard. You practice holding space and taking up space.
Telling your partner how you feel, required that you first become aware of how you feel and that’s worth so much!
3. Connect, spend time with each other
Have fun together! Have sex and make an effort to keep exploring your sexuality. Connect emotionally. Share your dreams and fears and challenges.
Achieve things together = Sense of accomplishment leads to connection
Progress equals happiness. Set a common goal you want to achieve together and be grateful for your hard times.
We want to feel like we are the most important thing in the other persons life. Unconditional love! Give your partner the feeling that they are your first priority. Like nothing else matters. Like their happiness matters most to you.
“It is my priority that you are happy, so I want to let you know if you need me to cancel XYZ, to let go of XYZ I will happily do that.” My partner for example has a job with which he travelled a lot, very intense. I never asked him to cancel a job for me, I want him to be free and travel the world, but it feels so good to know that he would.
ATTENTION It is important that this is mutual. If just one needs to compromise to make the other one happy that’s not good. Both should always be ready to compromise everything for the other person, because they want to, not because they have to.
Why this helps you grow?
Everything in life is relationship. If you practice connection in your romantic partnership you will also be able to build better relationships in your professional life, friendships.
4. Respect and Space
Respect your partner and expect to be respected. Remember you can choose if you want to see what’s amazing and wonderful about your partner or what you don’t like about them.
Remember: Sometimes the most loving this you can do for someone is to leave the person space to connect to themselves. Or to other people. From your heart wish your partner a great time with their best friend, family or at work.
The most important relationship we can have is with ourselves and we all need time and space to nurture that relationship with ourselves. If you can not be alone with yourself, that’s not good. Level up the mindfulness so you can become aware of why you can not enjoy your own company and change that.
Why this helps you grow?
Sense of self. Knowing who you are and how to be more you in this world what you owe to the world please. Work out your shit and don’t use your partner to avoid feeling and healing.
5. Balance
Over all: Does your relationship feel balanced?
Balance between connection and autonomy. Balance between giving and receiving?
Of course there are moments and phases in which one needs more support, the other one more space, certain aspect take up more space in your relationship.
Balance is not a fix state. It’s something that is sustained by constant evaluation and adjustment. Like walking. One step on the right foot, one step on the left foot.
Attention!
Relationships are also very dangerous. We trust, open up and we can be (ab)used.
Please educate yourself on how you can recognise a toxic relationship and get help to get out if you are in one!
Learn how to spot gaslighting.
Learn about narcissism.
Always nurture the relationship with yourself.
The more you
are self-confident and aware of how your past has shaped you
feel like you deserve to have your needs met, you deserve to be loved
are able to stand up for yourself, say “no” and set healthy boundaries
The more likely it is that you create a loving, supportive relationship and the less attractive you are to people who are looking for a toxic relationship.